Man Bun Assholes

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Donald Trump Man Bun

Guys with Man Buns, guess what ? You look like Assholes !


Guys, let’s get past this horrible fad. I can’t understand why a guy would go through the effort of intentionally growing out and cutting their hair in a way that would allow them to pull it up into a bun so they resemble a woman. Just because some great looking actor pulls it off doesn’t mean you should do it. When you do it you’re just an ugly dude that’s trying too hard with his man bun. Not fair on my part, but I immediately dismiss man bun wearers as complete douchebags. Sorry.

Mel and Heath are originals. Their man bun was forged out of necessity. You can’t have hair in your eyes as you shove a bayonet into a Red Coat’s heart. You need to see the expression on their face when you whisper, “Today, we celebrate our independence day, motherfucker.”

In almost every situation, a problem isn’t the originator, it’s the imitators. Bluetooth headsets were a hands-free option that made total sense until the guy at the car dealership started wearing them while he wasn’t on the phone. It’s not the guy who puts up that first bun, it’s the guy who sees the hot chick posting a Buzzfeed list of dudes with buns and spends the next year with a bun as his goal. The vagina has mystical, mind bending powers over the male proclivities. Think about skinny jeans, vegan food, writing about love for Elite Daily. Those all started with one dude who got laid and then a million different imitators came along, douched it up, and wasted a country’s time. Cure cancer? Nope, Trevor has to fix his hair bumps created by his pony tail. Start a business? Tucker needs to condition. Invent a blow job robot? Sorry, Smithson has an hour of brushing he has to do each night. Defend this country from China? Rory is debating bangs.

Since the dawn of time, male fashion decisions have been based off getting them laid. A caveman once tripped over a rock, and he heard a girl say “Eww” about his taint and now we are all sitting here in this underwear hell. There was an April Fools Day prank about clip-on man buns and I believed it because if vagina was one clip-on away we’d all be shopping for bobby pins. The more we encourage this look, the more we encourage the imitators spending their days trying to create an image of manliness that is built on months of un-manly moments. The longer we push the man bun dudes to the front of the alpha class, the more that door stays open for “men” that complain about gluten allergies in public. If the man-bun rules the pussy, then a larger group of pussies will be leading this nation.

Please, women of these United States of America, stop having sex with man bun guys. Resist the temptation. Understand that for every guy who puts his hair in a bun out of necessity, there are six more who saw it in a magazine while getting a mani-pedi. Go for the clean cut guy your grandfather would have fought a war with. Go for the guy wondering about farts. Go for the guy taking off his t-shirt like a fat, dumb animal. Go for a man bun guy, and you’ll create a country of men tucking hair behind their ears instead of pulling yours.





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George Washington Man Bun



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George W. Busch Cornrow Man-Bun